The 7 Worst Plans for Gaza

Ideas for a new future in the Middle East

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This article appears in the August 2025 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.

Everybody who happens to not be a Palestinian has a plan for how to reconstruct the Gaza Strip. If it isn’t Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner eyeing the “waterfront property” in the rubble, it’s the Boston Consulting Group working with the institute of disgraced U.K. leader Tony Blair. They’re now floating ideas like selling Gaza land to investors via crypto tokens, developing artificial islands off Gaza’s shores, and creating tax-free zones with names like the “Elon Musk Smart Manufacturing Zone.”

This kind of absurdity makes your friendly neighborhood satire writer sweat over how much it already sounds like a joke. But do not fear, dear reader, I can do this. I can present you with seven even dumber ideas for the future of the Gaza Strip, a place that will now be known as GAZINGA!

#7: Food Assistance

It’s no secret that Israel is not down with international humanitarian relief organizations feeding Palestinians. But in GAZINGA! there will be hundreds of outposts of an international body everyone can support: the International House of Pancakes. It’s a magical nongovernmental organization with syrup and smiley pancakes with banana slices for eyes. And also a place where, just like the aid organizations Israel destroyed, kids eat free!

#6: Transportation

In GAZINGA! tunnels won’t be necessary to transport food, medicine, or building materials. Part of converting the area from the most destitute to the happiest place on Earth is mimicking the real happiest place on Earth, Disneyland. Therefore, tunnels will be converted into log rides, complete with an animatronic history tour of Palestine from the British Mandate to the ethnically cleansed present. It’s a small world after all!

#5: De-radicalization

As a peace-building exercise, the IDF and Hamas will hold a series of sleepovers where everyone must wear their most embarrassing pajamas, eat snacks from mom, and share their crush. Then comes Seven Minutes in Heaven, a game where two people sit alone in a dark closet and argue about religion. Or make out. Whichever comes first.

#4: Tourism

Tourism will be crucial to GAZINGA! And we all know what can turn a drive-by town into a drive-to destination: The Guinness Book of World Records. Residents will get to work on weaving the longest scarf (or keffiyeh) in the world. It will stretch from the Egyptian border to the north, and tourists can come and weave a row themselves. As soon as that baby hits the world record, whammy! Just like the largest ball of tape put Louisville, Kentucky, on the map, the longest scarf in the world will surely make GAZINGA! a tourist hot spot.

#3: Checkpoints

The border between Gaza and Egypt, known as the Philadelphi Corridor, has been a site of wanton destruction. But in GAZINGA! the Philadelphi Corridor will be transformed into The Phila-SELFIE-Corridor: an entire neighborhood devoted to the best lighting and cutest backdrops ever from which to take endless selfies and feel hot. In the Phila-Selfie Corridor, it’s always magic hour and passersby are always willing to take your picture. And they’re single!

#2: Governance

The government in GAZINGA! will be built with special attention to the well-established parameters of the Myers-Briggs personality test. Parliament must be balanced with the right amount of ENFJs with INFPs, and address how unbridled ISTJ energy can be corrosive without the grounding balance of ISFPs. Similarly, legislative sessions must take into account planetary placement by working within positive astrological periods. Voting should not be done while Mercury is in retrograde! Court decisions can only come down when Venus trines Mars, and love and harmony abound. Also, no more Geminis in power. Are we insane?!

#1: Economic Prosperity

The best part of GAZINGA! is that everything, I mean everything, will be free. From the log ride transit system to the selfies to the pancakes to the people. The people will be the most free. You might call it a free, free Palestine.